Adjustments, Major Adjustments

Re-purposed & edited from an email I sent to a friend last week, whose mother had mentioned to him what she had heard from my Mom about recent developments in my Mom's life ...

Your Mom may know more than us kids. Mom has been seeing, socially--mostly, Mr. CW, an old friend of Dad's who lives across the street from S2. At the same time, she had been receiving letters from BC, an old friend from college days, who was widowed (2nd time) a year or so ago.

I first met BC as a child, when he and Dad were classmates. He was married to D and they had three boys. I recall lots of time spent playing with their boys before they graduated and moved away to Illinois some time before I was 7 or 8. BC was a pastor somewhere near Chicago for many years.

We heard about D&B all through our childhoods. There was supposedly an agreement that they would take the Myfoo children and that my folks would take their children if either set of parents died. As our family kept growing, Mom would joke that this was going to be hard on D&B. They added one adopted daughter sometime in the 70's or 80's, so the ratio was 6:4.

After I moved away for school, and D&B's kids got older, they started to travel. They would come down to SC once or twice a year, as BC has family in the area. They'd visit at length with Mom & Dad, and that's when most of my siblings got to know them. The ones that know BC well think highly of him.

D died sometime in the late 1990's. 1-2 years later, BC married J, a widow whom he had known through pastoral work and through the work he has been doing with senior citizens (hospice or elder care--which one escapes me.) They continued visiting at least once a year, including two visits while Dad was ill. (Alas, I was out of town both of those weekends.) I do not recall that they were at the funeral -- but they might have been. [Mom says they were.]

J discovered she had cancer not long after Dad died. She died in 2005 or 2006. BC continued his ministry to seniors, opting to move into the assisted living facility where he was working.

Last week, Mom traveled to Illinois with B3 & a friend (on very short notice -- my family usually takes forever to plan these things.) The main reason for the trip was so the friend could purchase a car, but Mom had also been encouraged to go and spend time with BC. She and her friend spent a night at the Assisted Living Facility. When the friend retired, Mom spent several hours talking to BC.

He had taken great pains to respond to recent letter of hers, in which she had said that she didn't think that there could be a future for them, and which she had ended saying something like "if things were different, we might have been able to consider a future together."

BC decided that "If things were different" wasn't the same thing as "no." He wrote out (we've heard about but not seen this) a four page letter entitled "Things for BC and MM to Discuss." I've heard that he addressed each point in her letter (Roman numeral outline, of course -- he has been a pastor for many years, and this seems to be a sermon he was giving). adding cogent details and further explanations, and ending each section with a line that read "Discuss."

Discuss, they did.

The 5th page contained a proposal of marriage, saying in effect "if we can address all these issues, would you be willing to consider marrying me?" Mom's answer, at least what she told me, was "Oh, BC, I'm not ready for this right now." Remember, "not ready" doesn't mean "no."

In the AM, BC came to Mom & her friend's guest room to collect them for breakfast. He asked "How can I introduce you? Would it be OK to say that 'this is the woman, if all things work out, that I will ask to marry me?' " Mom said "Introduce me as your friend." BC: "Uh oh, I may have already said something."

During breakfast, BC introduced Mom & her friend to the rest of the residents. The facility director said to Mom: "I understand congratulations are in order." Mom's friend was a bit surprised to hear of "the engagement" this way ... but I don't think she believed Mom's protestations.

Cut to this past week: Mom gets back into town for a nephew's graduation, says she needs to talk to each of us. She & I spoke on Sunday, when she told me that she'd "always loved BC." Me: "Do you love him enough to marry him?" Mom: "Since the other night." (Must have been some sermon outline...)

This leave the other gentleman caller, CW. He and Mom have been friends for a long time -- he and Dad loved discussing history, antiques, old weapons, etc. He is a retired engineer with lots of patents, who likes westerns, going shooting, etc. They were able to talk for hours on lots of subjects, and he had really opened up to her about some of the tragedy in his life (including losing a very young daughter, and his wife's protracted illness prior to her death.) He's a really nice guy, and possibly would have been a good companion/provider.

The sticking point was the gulf between them on God & faith. CW practices the C&E version of nominal Christianity, and doesn't really see a need for more in his life. Whereas, as you know, Mom's church might sink into the sea if Mom were not there. She loves her Sunday School class, the Bible study she attends, and spending time volunteering (she takes meals to a half-way house for men, and volunteers at a local hospital in the NICU.) She spends hours each week preparing for both Bible Study and Sunday School, listens to Charles Swindoll, and likes to play hymns (so she doesn't listen much to our local pop Christian radio station, but I digress.)

BC is, and has always been, a man of faith. He is a year younger than Dad (born on the same date), and knows that his time is limited, and believes that he & Mom would be able to make a life together. I have to believe that he loves Mom, and she certainly lights up when talking about her (one sibling said she was like a little kid.) It looks as if he would be moving down to SC, with lots of traveling to see his 4 kids and 14 grands. It's the sort of traveling that Mom & Dad had planned to do once Dad retired.

I think Dad would approve. We're all working to make the adjustment in our minds.

Cast of characters:

B3 = 3rd brother among the Myfoo siblings.
BC = soon to be SD (Step-Dad.) Looks like the wedding has been set for August 18. Wow, talk about a short time frame!
CW = neighbor an old friend of family, esp. of my Dad.
D = 1st wife of BC. They lived at the other end of the housing project building from us in the early 60's.
J = 2nd wife of BC.
MM = Mother Myfoo (not her real initials)
Myfoo = My family of origin
S2 = 2nd sister among the Myfoo siblings. (I am S1)

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Personal note: After I spoke with Mom last Sunday PM, I was driving to Sunday PM Mass. I discovered I was feeling angry, not at Mom, just a generalized anger. I realized that Mom's pursuit of this relationship, and her getting married was one more proof that "things would never go back to the way they had been before." My next thought was "as if you couldn't tell that the day you buried him?!" It's a reminder to me that we go back, often unrecognized to ourselves, and revisit the stages of grief over and over as things change in our lives. It didn't help to see a featurette on the news that evening about a vaccine that seems to be prolonging the lives of people with my Dad's cancer -- he wasn't eligible for any clinical trials due to his age when he was 1st diagnosed. But none of that anger brings back Dad, so I recognize it and try not to act on it. This is a great thing for Mom, and I really am happy for her.

One more note: Mom called just a bit ago, which initiated this posting. There will be a wedding that everyone in the world will want to attend, of two seniors on fixed incomes. We'll be serving cake & punch. Eat before you arrive..