Better, Longer Living through Chemistry?

It looks like 40 beverage servings per day, in the right combination, can prevent both prostate cancer and cirrhosis of the liver. This is obvious from a combination of 2 stories heard on NPR and local radio--I found "verification" (as much as a URL counts for verification.)

1. 17 beers a day keep prostate cancer away.

For many men, a finding by Oregon researchers sounds too good to be true: An ingredient in beer seems to help prevent prostate cancer, at least in lab experiments.

The trouble is you'd theoretically have to drink about 17 beers a day for any potential benefit. And no one's advising that.

...He noted that lycopene, an ingredient in tomatoes, and thus also in tomato sauce, has previously been linked to prostate cancer prevention.

"It's every man's dream to hear that beer and pizza can prevent cancer," he said. "However, the 17 beers and four large pizzas needed to get enough xanthohumol and lycopene to help prevent prostate cancer is unfortunately not advised."

2. Four cups of coffee per day cuts the risk of alcoholic cirrhosis.

In a study of more than 125,000 people, one cup of coffee per day cut the risk of alcoholic cirrhosis by 20 percent. Four cups per day reduced the risk by 80 percent. The coffee effect held true for women and men of various ethnic backgrounds.

The study was based on questionnaires completed by Kaiser Permanente HMO patients in California in the 1970's & 80's (initial admit forms, and not follow-up visits.) But still...

Heavy drinkers were defined as 3 alcoholic drinks per day. This is hardly fair, since at least half of these patients were obviously men who were trying to cut their risk of prostate cancer. Some of them were only getting 1/4th of their daily requirement of "beer ingredients" for cancer prevention.

Here's my math:

3 drinks + 4 coffees = No cirrhosis. (3:4 ratio)

17 beers = No prostate cancer.

Therefore, 17 beers/drinks + ~23 coffees = guaranteed no cancer or cirrhosis. QED.

Might wanna install a night light for all those trips to the little room.